Everyone has their day, when their lives are irrevocably changed. Some of these days are those that have a national or world impact, such as the day John F. Kennedy was assassinated. But for those dealing with disabilities, it is the day that the disability shatters the perceived reality of life.
All of us, especially baby boomers, are chasing eternal youth and fitness. Weight loss products, exercise videos, and workout equipment, all are multi-billion dollar industries, catering to the desire to keep that youthful body, no matter the age. Cruise lines are no longer showing the relaxing Caribbean cruises. Now, they show people on jet skis and climbing walls. The newest boats include wave units for on-board surfing. All of these influence our outlook on life. The belief is that we can all continue this life style well into our 80s.
But if you are dealing with disabilities, that perception of life can be destroyed by that day of change. That day, that first day, will remain indelibly burned in your brain. No matter what happens after that day, that day will keep coming back. The what-ifs can play endlessly. What if I had turned left instead of right? What if I had gone to the doctor earlier? Could I have caught the disease earlier? What if, what if, what if.
What if doesn’t change things. When you are a disabled person, facing a life-changing and, possibly, life-threatening disease, you are having to deal with issues that the non-disabled can never truly understand. Oh, the non-disabled can understand the need to keep the floor free of items so that you won’t trip as you try to maneuver using a walker or canes. They can understand that you will need assistance getting in and out of bed. They can never understand the depression, the daily anger that can and probably will arise as you face another day of not being able to do what you used to do. The fact is, the mental battles that you face as a disabled person are every bit as difficult and important as the battles you face in trying to overcome the physical limitation, and your friends and family need to understand this.
Psychologists have long found that there are generally five stages of the acceptance of a death. Widely publicized, these are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. In 1986, a panel was convened to analyze the psychological effects of the adjustment to a disability. This panel found that there were a similar five stages of the acceptance of a disability: Uncertainty, Shock, Anger and Denial, Depression/Grief, and Acceptance.
The uncertainty surrounding the initial onset of the ailment can range from “it’s just something temporary, something minor” to outright terror. A pain in the arm can be just a pain. However, it can be a harbinger of something much more serious. As more and more doctors and specialists are brought in, as more and more tests are conducted, the fear and uncertainty rises. This is when the support from family and friends is very necessary, to show that you are not alone in this journey.
Shock and fear can come almost immediately in the case of a massive traumatic injury. In the case of a medical problem, it can come on gradually. But with either event, as you deal with the loss of abilities, the loss of function, the fear will be there, and it will always be there, always in the back of your mind.
The shock will turn to anger and denial, and the hardest part is to get past the anger that comes with the loss of bodily function. You will often reject the first diagnosis, looking for a second and third opinion that may give you an answer. What can be worse is when you see your body deteriorating, but medical science is unable to give a diagnosis, unable to give a prognosis. The denial will turn to rejection. You may retreat into a shell, rejecting the help of doctors, of friends, and reject your family, driving them away. The sad, hidden story of the disabled is that 80% of marriages where one member becomes disabled through accident or illness ends in divorce.
The flip side of anger is depression and grief. When someone we love passes on, we have to deal with the grief and depression that the loss brings, especially when the death was sudden. It takes time but we will accept the loss over time. It’s a part of the healing process.
When dealing with a disability, you have to deal with a loss as harsh, as terrible, as any death in the family. Further, the loss is not one that hits in a moment, then fades in time. The loss is one that you face every day. Every morning, there is a new awakening of the loss, and, once again, you are hit with the grief and depression that this loss brings. This depression can, and does, inhibit your ability to face the problem, and can lead to giving up.
So how do you get past this? You truly need the emotional support of family and friends the most. You have to get past the emotional baggage, and it is going to take all the love and support that you can get. If you can’t deal with it, you can be more paralyzed mentally than from any physical problems. Once you get past these, and move into acceptance, you can begin to live again, to rebuild your life, your relationships, and move into the world, ready to accept and face the world, knowing that whatever life will bring, you can face it.
